It all started when our predictably heroic hero, Illya Kuryakin, woke up in an imaginary desert. It was the sixth time it had happened. Feeling alarmingly exasperated, Illya Kuryakin hit a banana, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). A few unfulfilled decades later, he realized that his beloved ABBA CD was missing! Immediately he called his redheaded stepchild of a 'friend', Napoleon Solo. Illya Kuryakin had known Napoleon Solo for (plus or minus) 61 years, the majority of which were curious ones. Napoleon Solo was unique. He was charismatic though sometimes a little... selfish. Illya Kuryakin called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Napoleon Solo picked up to a very mad Illya Kuryakin. Napoleon Solo calmly assured him that most spotted wolf hamsters yawn before mating, yet legless puppies usually sassily grimace *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Illya Kuryakin. Why was Napoleon Solo trying to distract Illya Kuryakin? Because he had snuck out from Illya Kuryakin with the ABBA CD only two days prior. It was a sassy little ABBA CD... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before Illya Kuryakin got back to the subject at hand: his ABBA CD. Napoleon Solo sneezed. Reluctantly, Napoleon Solo invited him over, assuring him they'd find the ABBA CD. Illya Kuryakin grabbed his time machine and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Napoleon Solo realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the ABBA CD and he had to do it fearlessly. He figured that if Illya Kuryakin took the 'modded' Civic, he had taken at least five minutes before Illya Kuryakin would get there. But if he took the UNCLE car? Then Napoleon Solo would be ridiculously screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Napoleon Solo was interrupted by five selfish cats that were lured by his ABBA CD. Napoleon Solo panicked; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling pleased, he deftly reached for his carrot and fearlessly punched every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the disease-infested jungle, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the UNCLE car rolling up. It was Illya Kuryakin.
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Wal-Mart to pick up a 12-pack of dangerous oil-soaked rags, so he knew he was running late. With a careful leap, Illya Kuryakin was out of the UNCLE car and went exotically jaunting toward Napoleon Solo's front door. Meanwhile inside, Napoleon Solo was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the ABBA CD into a box of ripened avocados and then slid the box behind his elephant. Napoleon Solo was angered but at least the ABBA CD was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Napoleon Solo explosively purred. With an apt push, Illya Kuryakin opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some dimwitted rationality-deprived retard in a rice rocket,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Napoleon Solo assured him. Illya Kuryakin took a seat right next to where Napoleon Solo had hidden the ABBA CD. Napoleon Solo grimaced trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Hush, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Illya Kuryakin was distracted. Happy as a firkin' monkey, Napoleon Solo noticed a dimwitted look on Illya Kuryakin's face. Illya Kuryakin slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Napoleon Solo felt a stabbing pain in his shin when Illya Kuryakin asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the ABBA CD right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A clueless look started to form on Illya Kuryakin's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's dangerous oil-soaked rags from when she used to have pet South American hissing sloths. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Illya Kuryakin nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Napoleon Solo could react, Illya Kuryakin aptly lunged toward the box and opened it. The ABBA CD was plainly in view.
Illya Kuryakin stared at Napoleon Solo for what must've been eight nanoseconds. Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased deity, Napoleon Solo groped indiscriminately in Illya Kuryakin's direction, clearly desperate. Illya Kuryakin grabbed the ABBA CD and bolted for the door. It was locked. Napoleon Solo let out an electric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Illya Kuryakin,' he rebuked. Napoleon Solo always had been a little dimwitted, so Illya Kuryakin knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Napoleon Solo did something crazy, like... start chucking dull pencils at him or something. A few unfulfilled decades later, he gripped his ABBA CD tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Napoleon Solo looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Illya Kuryakin. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame three days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Illya Kuryakin. 'Oh. You... okay? Still silence. Napoleon Solo walked over to the window and looked down. Illya Kuryakin was gone.
Just yonder, Illya Kuryakin was struggling to make his way through the haunted thicket behind Napoleon Solo's place. Illya Kuryakin had severely hurt his scalp during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral cats suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the ABBA CD. One by one they latched on to Illya Kuryakin. Already weakened from his injury, Illya Kuryakin yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of cats running off with his ABBA CD.
But then God came down with His plucky smile and restored Illya Kuryakin's ABBA CD. Feeling pleased, God smote the cats for their injustice. Then He got in His Jap Trap and blasted away with the fortitude of twenty, three-legged wallabies running from a misshapen pack of venomous koalas. Illya Kuryakin shimmied with joy when he saw this. His ABBA CD was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in eleven minutes his favorite TV show, Tots and Tiaras, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When albino cats meet unborn fetus'). Illya Kuryakin was contented. And so, everyone except Napoleon Solo and a few bloody glove-toting man-eating capybaras lived blissfully happy, forever after.
*** L337 Story Generator v1.0
*** Written by Derek Clark. Copyright © www.the-elite.net ~ 2004-present
*** Forever pwning with earnest.