jkkitty (jkkitty) wrote in mfu_canteen,

Story Generator--Stolen from Spikesgirl who stole it from Draceyvixen

It all started when our uber geek, Napoleon Solo, woke up in a disease-infested jungle. It was the sixth time it had happened. Feeling really pleased, Napoleon Solo grabbed a carrot, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, he realized that his beloved gold studded cage was missing! Immediately he called his undeclared soulmate, Illya Kuryakin. Napoleon Solo had known Illya Kuryakin for (plus or minus) 2,000 years, the majority of which were curious ones. Illya Kuryakin was unique. He was easygoing though sometimes a little... abrasive. Napoleon Solo called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Illya Kuryakin picked up to a very ecstatic Napoleon Solo. Illya Kuryakin calmly assured him that most Indonesian devil cats sigh before mating, yet spotted wolf hamsters usually sassily grimace *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Napoleon Solo. Why was Illya Kuryakin trying to distract Napoleon Solo? Because he had snuck out from Napoleon Solo's with the gold studded cage only two days prior. It was a electric little gold studded cage... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Napoleon Solo got back to the subject at hand: his gold studded cage. Illya Kuryakin cringed. Relunctantly, Illya Kuryakin invited him over, assuring him they'd find the gold studded cage. Napoleon Solo grabbed his hippopotamus and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Illya Kuryakin realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the gold studded cage and he had to do it aptly. He figured that if Napoleon Solo took the curb-jumping ghetto sled (Impala), he had take at least four minutes before Napoleon Solo would get there. But if he took the Cadillac? Then Illya Kuryakin would be ridiculously screwed.                                                                                                                                                             Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Illya Kuryakin was interrupted by ten dimwitted black leopards that were lured by his gold studded cage. Illya Kuryakin grimaced; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling displeased, he carefully reached for his live hand grenade and randomly groped every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the haunted thicket, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Cadillac rolling up. It was Napoleon Solo.


As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at IHOP to pick up a 12-pack of live hand grenades, so he knew he was running late. With a hasty leap, Napoleon Solo was out of the Cadillac and went flamboyantly jaunting toward Illya Kuryakin's front door. Meanwhile inside, Illya Kuryakin was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the gold studded cage into a box of bananas and then slid the box behind his elephant. Illya Kuryakin was puzzled but at least the gold studded cage was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Illya Kuryakin exotically purred. With a apt push, Napoleon Solo opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some insensitive coke fiend in a magic flying carpet,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Illya Kuryakin assured him. Napoleon Solo took a seat frighteningly close to where Illya Kuryakin had hidden the gold studded cage. Illya Kuryakin shuddered trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Napoleon Solo was distracted. Before anyone could take off their pants, Illya Kuryakin noticed a stupid look on Napoleon Solo's face. Napoleon Solo slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Illya Kuryakin felt a stabbing pain in his love handle when Napoleon Solo asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the gold studded cage right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A dimwitted look started to form on Napoleon Solo's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's wolverines from when she used to have pet Indonesian devil cats. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Napoleon Solo nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Illya Kuryakin could react, Napoleon Solo carefully lunged toward the box and opened it. The gold studded cage was plainly in view.

Napoleon Solo stared at Illya Kuryakin for what what must've been nine nanoseconds. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, Illya Kuryakin groped scandalously in Napoleon Solo's direction, clearly desperate. Napoleon Solo grabbed the gold studded cage and bolted for the door. It was locked. Illya Kuryakin let out a saucy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Napoleon Solo,' he rebuked. Illya Kuryakin always had been a little insensitive, so Napoleon Solo knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Illya Kuryakin did something crazy, like... start chucking bananas at him or something. Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, he gripped his gold studded cage tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Illya Kuryakin looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Napoleon Solo. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame six days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Napoleon Solo. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Illya Kuryakin walked over to the window and looked down. Napoleon Solo was gone.


Just yonder, Napoleon Solo was struggling to make his way through the imaginery desert behind Illya Kuryakin's place. Napoleon Solo had severely hurt his shin during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral black leopards suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the gold studded cage. One by one they latched on to Napoleon Solo. Already weakened from his injury, Napoleon Solo yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of black leopards running off with his gold studded cage.

But then God came down with His ingenious smile and restored Napoleon Solo's gold studded cage. Feeling exasperated, God smote the black leopards for their injustice. Then He got in His tricked out go kart and bolted away with the fortitude of 1.2 billion legless puppies running from a teensy pack of disease-carrying chipmunks. Napoleon Solo stumbled with joy when he saw this. His gold studded cage was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in seven minutes his favorite TV show, Gong Show, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When Indonesian devil cats meet ebola'). Napoleon Solo was thrilled. And so, everyone except Illya Kuryakin and a few ebola-toting legless puppies lived blissfully happy, forever after.

Tags: silliness

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