This is hilarious! Derek Clark is a genius. LOL
It all started when our (former porn) star, Illya, woke up in a bush. It was the fifth time it had happened. Feeling abundantly exasperated, Illya groped a dull pencil, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Heart filled with earnest fortitude, he realized that his beloved tea pot was missing! Immediately he called his so-called friend, Napoleon. Illya had known Napoleon for (plus or minus) 200,000 years, the majority of which were flamboyant ones. Napoleon was unique. He was plucky though sometimes a little... insensitive. Illya called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Napoleon picked up to a very unhappy Illya. Napoleon calmly assured him that most legless puppies yawn before mating, yet long-haired sea monkeys usually surreptitiously sigh *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Illya. Why was Napoleon trying to distract Illya? Because he had snuck out from Illya's with the tea pot only three days prior. It was a eccentric little tea pot... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before Illya got back to the subject at hand: his tea pot. Napoleon panicked. Relunctantly, Napoleon invited him over, assuring him they'd find the tea pot. Illya grabbed his refrigerator and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Napoleon realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the tea pot and he had to do it randomly. He figured that if Illya took the homemade car, he had take at least five minutes before Illya would get there. But if he took the U.N.C.L.E.'s bat wing? Then Napoleon would be exceedingly screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Napoleon was interrupted by two clueless wildebeasts that were lured by his tea pot. Napoleon shuddered; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling frustrated, he aggressively reached for his carrot and randomly poked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the fanstic pumpkin patch, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the U.N.C.L.E.'s bat wing rolling up. It was Illya.
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at IHOP to pick up a 12-pack of carrots, so he knew he was running late. With a hasty leap, Illya was out of the U.N.C.L.E.'s bat wing and went charismatically jaunting toward Napoleon's front door. Meanwhile inside, Napoleon was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the tea pot into a box of carrots and then slid the box behind his rhinocerus. Napoleon was exasperated but at least the tea pot was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Napoleon explosively purred. With a hasty push, Illya opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some abrasive noble genius in a hippie-pleasing hybrid vehicle,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Napoleon assured him. Illya took a seat ridiculously unclose to where Napoleon had hidden the tea pot. Napoleon yawned trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Illya was distracted. A few unfulfilled decades later, Napoleon noticed a annoying look on Illya's face. Illya slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Napoleon felt a stabbing pain in his double chin when Illya asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the tea pot right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A clueless look started to form on Illya's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's gerbils from when she used to have pet venomous koalas. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Illya nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Napoleon could react, Illya fearlessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The tea pot was plainly in view.
Illya stared at Napoleon for what what must've been nine minutes. Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, Napoleon groped scandalously in Illya's direction, clearly desperate. Illya grabbed the tea pot and bolted for the door. It was locked. Napoleon let out a electric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Illya,' he rebuked. Napoleon always had been a little funny-smelling, so Illya knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Napoleon did something crazy, like... start chucking live hand grenades at him or something. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, he gripped his tea pot tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Napoleon looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Illya. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame six days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Illya. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Napoleon walked over to the window and looked down. Illya was gone.
Just yonder, Illya was struggling to make his way through the imaginery desert behind Napoleon's place. Illya had severely hurt his love handle during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral wildebeasts suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the tea pot. One by one they latched on to Illya. Already weakened from his injury, Illya yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of wildebeasts running off with his tea pot.
About four hours later, Illya awoke, his fingernail throbbing. It was dark and Illya did not know where he was. Deep in the lonely disease-infested jungle, Illya was abnormally lost. In a tragically predictable turn of events, he remembered that his tea pot was taken by the wildebeasts. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a enlarged wildebeast emerged from the bush. It was the alpha wildebeast. Illya opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the wildebeast sunk its teeth into Illya's fingernail. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Illya's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than ten miles away, Napoleon was entombed by anguish over the loss of the tea pot. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened wolverine. With a apt thrust, he buried it deeply into his armpit. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Illya... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the tea pot that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant wildebeasts, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(