kate (kanders07) wrote in mfu_canteen,
kate
kanders07
mfu_canteen

We all know I have no willpower so, of course, I had to join in

It all started when our cliche, protagonistic figure, Napoleon Solo, woke up in a secret vineyard. It was the ninth time it had happened. Feeling alarmingly frustrated, Napoleon Solo stroked a carrot, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased diety, he realized that his beloved computer was missing! Immediately he called his so-called friend, Illya Kuryakin. Napoleon Solo had known Illya Kuryakin for (plus or minus) 200,000 years, the majority of which were enticing ones. Illya Kuryakin was unique. He was congenial though sometimes a little... oafish. Napoleon Solo called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Illya Kuryakin picked up to a very angry Napoleon Solo. Illya Kuryakin calmly assured him that most spotted wolf hamsters sneeze before mating, yet Indonesian devil cats usually surreptitiously panic *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Napoleon Solo. Why was Illya Kuryakin trying to distract Napoleon Solo? Because he had snuck out from Napoleon Solo's with the computer only five days prior. It was a exotic little computer... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Napoleon Solo got back to the subject at hand: his computer. Illya Kuryakin yawned. Reluctantly, Illya Kuryakin invited him over, assuring him they'd find the computer. Napoleon Solo grabbed his George Foreman grill and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Illya Kuryakin realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the computer and he had to do it aggressively. He figured that if Napoleon Solo took the deliciously practical 4-door, he had at least eleven minutes before Napoleon Solo would get there. But if he took the little red convertible? Then Illya Kuryakin would be ridiculously screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Illya Kuryakin was interrupted by four clueless giraffes that were lured by his computer. Illya Kuryakin grimaced; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling puzzled, he carefully reached for his ninja star and thoughtfully stroked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the fantastic pumpkin patch, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the little red convertible rolling up. It was Napoleon Solo.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Sears to pick up a 12-pack of dull pencils, so he knew he was running late. With a skillful leap, Napoleon Solo was out of the little red convertible and went earnestly jaunting toward Illya Kuryakin's front door. Meanwhile inside, Illya Kuryakin was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the computer into a box of carrots and then slid the box behind his whale. Illya Kuryakin was angered but at least the computer was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Illya Kuryakin exotically purred. With a apt push, Napoleon Solo opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some pestering spite-toting jerk in a Jap Trap,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Illya Kuryakin assured him. Napoleon Solo took a seat right next to where Illya Kuryakin had hidden the computer. Illya Kuryakin sneezed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Napoleon Solo was distracted. Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased deity, Illya Kuryakin noticed a stupid look on Napoleon Solo's face. Napoleon Solo slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Illya Kuryakin felt a stabbing pain in his shin when Napoleon Solo asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the computer right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A stupid look started to form on Napoleon Solo's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's gerbils from when she used to have pet legless puppies. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Napoleon Solo nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Illya Kuryakin could react, Napoleon Solo randomly lunged toward the box and opened it. The computer was plainly in view.

Napoleon Solo stared at Illya Kuryakin for what what must've been four nanoseconds. Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, Illya Kuryakin groped sassily in Napoleon Solo's direction, clearly desperate. Napoleon Solo grabbed the computer and bolted for the door. It was locked. Illya Kuryakin let out a enchanting chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Napoleon Solo,' he rebuked. Illya Kuryakin always had been a little pestering, so Napoleon Solo knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Illya Kuryakin did something crazy, like... start chucking dull pencils at him or something. Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, he gripped his computer tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Illya Kuryakin looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Napoleon Solo. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame five days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Napoleon Solo. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Illya Kuryakin walked over to the window and looked down. Napoleon Solo was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Napoleon Solo was struggling to make his way through the foxy forest behind Illya Kuryakin's place. Napoleon Solo had severely hurt his kidney during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral giraffes suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the computer. One by one they latched on to Napoleon Solo. Already weakened from his injury, Napoleon Solo yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of giraffes running off with his computer.

But then God came down with His attractive smile and restored Napoleon Solo's computer. Feeling stunned, God smote the giraffes for their injustice. Then He got in His nappy, busted-out hatchback and sped away with the fortitude of 20 Indonesian devil cats running from a teensy pack of disease-carrying chipmunks. Napoleon Solo stumbled with joy when he saw this. His computer was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in three minutes his favorite TV show, Lost in Space, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When long-haired sea monkeys meet malaria'). Napoleon Solo was relieved. And so, everyone except Illya Kuryakin and a few hand grenade-toting long-haired sea monkeys lived blissfully happy, forever after.


*** L337 Story Generator v1.0
*** Written by Derek Clark. Copyright © www.the-elite.net ~ 2004-present
*** Forever pwning with earnest.
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