July 30th, 2013

happy steel

I'm baacckk

Where did all these potted palms come from?  And since when it the new uniforms involve 'genie' outfits for the men?  I don't mean to be critical, but have you seen some of the guys who work in the canteen?

Story Generator--Stolen from Spikesgirl who stole it from Draceyvixen

It all started when our uber geek, Napoleon Solo, woke up in a disease-infested jungle. It was the sixth time it had happened. Feeling really pleased, Napoleon Solo grabbed a carrot, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, he realized that his beloved gold studded cage was missing! Immediately he called his undeclared soulmate, Illya Kuryakin. Napoleon Solo had known Illya Kuryakin for (plus or minus) 2,000 years, the majority of which were curious ones. Illya Kuryakin was unique. He was easygoing though sometimes a little... abrasive. Napoleon Solo called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.Collapse )

Story Generator--Stolen from jkitty who stole it from Spikesgirl who stole it from Draceyvixen

This is hilarious! Derek Clark is a genius. LOL

 It all started when our (former porn) star, Illya, woke up in a bush. It was the fifth time it had happened. Feeling abundantly exasperated, Illya groped a dull pencil, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Heart filled with earnest fortitude, he realized that his beloved tea pot was missing!  Immediately he called his so-called friend, Napoleon. Illya had known Napoleon for (plus or minus) 200,000 years, the majority of which were flamboyant ones.  Napoleon was unique. He was plucky though sometimes a little... insensitive. Illya called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
 Napoleon picked up to a very unhappy Illya. Napoleon calmly assured him that most legless puppies yawn before mating, yet long-haired sea monkeys usually surreptitiously sigh *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Illya.  Why was Napoleon trying to distract Illya?  Because he had snuck out from Illya's with the tea pot only three days prior.  It was a eccentric little tea pot... how could he resist?
 It didn't take long before Illya got back to the subject at hand: his tea pot. Napoleon panicked. Relunctantly, Napoleon invited him over, assuring him they'd find the tea pot. Illya grabbed his refrigerator and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Napoleon realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the tea pot and he had to do it randomly. He figured that if Illya took the homemade car, he had take at least five minutes before Illya would get there.  But if he took the U.N.C.L.E.'s bat wing?  Then Napoleon would be exceedingly screwed.
 Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Napoleon was interrupted by two clueless wildebeasts that were lured by his tea pot. Napoleon shuddered; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling frustrated, he aggressively reached for his carrot and randomly poked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the fanstic pumpkin patch, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief.  That's when he heard the U.N.C.L.E.'s bat wing rolling up.  It was Illya.
----o0o----
 As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at IHOP to pick up a 12-pack of carrots, so he knew he was running late.  With a hasty leap, Illya was out of the U.N.C.L.E.'s bat wing and went charismatically jaunting toward Napoleon's front door.  Meanwhile inside,  Napoleon was panicking.  Not thinking, he tossed the tea pot into a box of carrots and then slid the box behind his rhinocerus. Napoleon was exasperated but at least the tea pot was concealed.  The doorbell rang.
 'Come in,' Napoleon explosively purred.  With a hasty push, Illya opened the door.  'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some abrasive noble genius in a hippie-pleasing hybrid vehicle,' he lied.  'It's fine,' Napoleon assured him. Illya took a seat ridiculously unclose to where Napoleon had hidden the tea pot. Napoleon yawned trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness.  'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted.  But Illya was distracted. A few unfulfilled decades later, Napoleon noticed a annoying look on Illya's face. Illya slowly opened his mouth to speak.
 '...What's that smell?'
 Napoleon felt a stabbing pain in his double chin when Illya asked this.  In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the tea pot right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what?  I don't smell anything..!'  A lie.  A clueless look started to form on Illya's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's gerbils from when she used to have pet venomous koalas.  She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Illya nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Napoleon could react, Illya fearlessly lunged toward the box and opened it.  The tea pot was plainly in view.
 Illya stared at Napoleon for what what must've been nine minutes. Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, Napoleon groped scandalously in Illya's direction, clearly desperate. Illya grabbed the tea pot and bolted for the door.  It was locked. Napoleon let out a electric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Illya,' he rebuked. Napoleon always had been a little funny-smelling, so Illya knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Napoleon did something crazy, like... start chucking live hand grenades at him or something. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, he gripped his tea pot tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
 Napoleon looked on, blankly. 'What the hell?  That seemed excessive.  The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Illya. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame six days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Illya. 'Oh.  You ..okay?' Still silence. Napoleon walked over to the window and looked down. Illya was gone.
----o0o----
 Just yonder, Illya was struggling to make his way through the imaginery desert behind Napoleon's place. Illya had severely hurt his love handle during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength.  Another pack of feral wildebeasts suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the tea pot.  One by one they latched on to Illya.  Already weakened from his injury, Illya yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed.  The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of wildebeasts running off with his tea pot.
 About four hours later, Illya awoke, his fingernail throbbing.  It was dark and Illya did not know where he was.  Deep in the lonely disease-infested jungle, Illya was abnormally lost. In a tragically predictable turn of events, he remembered that his tea pot was taken by the wildebeasts. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life.  That's when, to his horror, a enlarged wildebeast emerged from the bush.  It was the alpha wildebeast. Illya opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the wildebeast sunk its teeth into Illya's fingernail. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Illya's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
 Less than ten miles away, Napoleon was entombed by anguish over the loss of the tea pot.  'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened wolverine.  With a apt thrust, he buried it deeply into his armpit.  As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Illya... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him.  But he would die alone that day.  All that remained was the tea pot that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise.  And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant wildebeasts, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come.  Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead.  So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(
LOL
Hugs

Definitely Third Season

From our good friends at the random story generator:

It all started when our adventure-loving...adventurer, Illya Kuryakin, woke up in a foxy forest. It was the eighth time it had happened. Feeling scarcely angered, Illya Kuryakin backhanded a ripened avocado, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, he realized that his beloved pierogi was missing!  Immediately he called his bed-friend, Napoleon Solo. Illya Kuryakin had known Napoleon Solo for (plus or minus) 1.2 billion years, the majority of which were striking ones.  Napoleon Solo was unique. He was charismatic though sometimes a little... abrasive. Illya Kuryakin called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

   Napoleon Solo picked up to a very unhappy Illya Kuryakin. Napoleon Solo calmly assured him that most long-haired sea monkeys sneeze before mating, yet spotted wolf hamsters usually explosively turn red *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Illya Kuryakin.  Why was Napoleon Solo trying to distract Illya Kuryakin?  Because he had snuck out from Illya Kuryakin's with the pierogi only five days prior.  It was a enchanting little pierogi... how could he resist?

   It didn't take long before Illya Kuryakin got back to the subject at hand: his pierogi. Napoleon Solo belched. Relunctantly, Napoleon Solo invited him over, assuring him they'd find the pierogi. Illya Kuryakin grabbed his hammock and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Napoleon Solo realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the pierogi and he had to do it skillfully. He figured that if Illya Kuryakin took the tricycle, he had take at least five minutes before Illya Kuryakin would get there.  But if he took the Corvette?  Then Napoleon Solo would be excessively screwed.

   Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Napoleon Solo was interrupted by three insensitive meerkats that were lured by his pierogi. Napoleon Solo belched; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling pleased, he thoughtfully reached for his banana and deftly backhanded every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the haunted thicket, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief.  That's when he heard the Corvette rolling up.  It was Illya Kuryakin.

----o0o----

   As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Wal-Mart to pick up a 12-pack of ripened avocados, so he knew he was running late.  With a careful leap, Illya Kuryakin was out of the Corvette and went surreptitiously jaunting toward Napoleon Solo's front door.  Meanwhile inside,  Napoleon Solo was panicking.  Not thinking, he tossed the pierogi into a box of potatos and then slid the box behind his rhinocerus. Napoleon Solo was worried but at least the pierogi was concealed.  The doorbell rang.

   'Come in,' Napoleon Solo sassily purred.  With a hasty push, Illya Kuryakin opened the door.  'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some selfish coke fiend in a tricycle,' he lied.  'It's fine,' Napoleon Solo assured him. Illya Kuryakin took a seat ridiculously far from where Napoleon Solo had hidden the pierogi. Napoleon Solo sighed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness.  'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted.  But Illya Kuryakin was distracted. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, Napoleon Solo noticed a stupid look on Illya Kuryakin's face. Illya Kuryakin slowly opened his mouth to speak.

   '...What's that smell?'

   Napoleon Solo felt a stabbing pain in his prostate when Illya Kuryakin asked this.  In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the pierogi right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what?  I don't smell anything..!'  A lie.  A dimwitted look started to form on Illya Kuryakin's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's wolverines from when she used to have pet legless puppies.  She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Illya Kuryakin nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Napoleon Solo could react, Illya Kuryakin fearlessly lunged toward the box and opened it.  The pierogi was plainly in view.

   Illya Kuryakin stared at Napoleon Solo for what what must've been nine minutes. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, Napoleon Solo groped flamboyantly in Illya Kuryakin's direction, clearly desperate. Illya Kuryakin grabbed the pierogi and bolted for the door.  It was locked. Napoleon Solo let out a flamboyant chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Illya Kuryakin,' he rebuked. Napoleon Solo always had been a little funny-smelling, so Illya Kuryakin knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Napoleon Solo did something crazy, like... start chucking dull pencils at him or something. In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, he gripped his pierogi tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

   Napoleon Solo looked on, blankly. 'What the hell?  That seemed excessive.  The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Illya Kuryakin. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame three days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Illya Kuryakin. 'Oh.  You ..okay?' Still silence. Napoleon Solo walked over to the window and looked down. Illya Kuryakin was gone.

----o0o----

   Just yonder, Illya Kuryakin was struggling to make his way through the bush behind Napoleon Solo's place. Illya Kuryakin had severely hurt his scalp during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength.  Another pack of feral meerkats suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the pierogi.  One by one they latched on to Illya Kuryakin.  Already weakened from his injury, Illya Kuryakin yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed.  The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of meerkats running off with his pierogi.

   But then God came down with His clever smile and restored Illya Kuryakin's pierogi. Feeling displeased, God smote the meerkats for their injustice.  Then He got in His pimp fresh, candy-painted 'Lac and sputtered away with the fortitude of  61 South American hissing sloths running from a little pack of albino cats. Illya Kuryakin shimmied with joy when he saw this. His pierogi was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in two minutes his favorite TV show,  The Real Housewives of New Jersey, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When spotted wolf hamsters meet ebola'). Illya Kuryakin was giddy. And so, everyone except Napoleon Solo and a few weapon of mass destruction-toting man-eating capybaras lived blissfully happy, forever after.


*** L337 Story Generator v1.0
*** Written by Derek Clark.  Copyright © www.the-elite.net ~ 2004-present
*** Forever pwning with earnest.
the men from uncle

We all know I have no willpower so, of course, I had to join in

It all started when our cliche, protagonistic figure, Napoleon Solo, woke up in a secret vineyard. It was the ninth time it had happened. Feeling alarmingly frustrated, Napoleon Solo stroked a carrot, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased diety, he realized that his beloved computer was missing! Immediately he called his so-called friend, Illya Kuryakin. Napoleon Solo had known Illya Kuryakin for (plus or minus) 200,000 years, the majority of which were enticing ones. Illya Kuryakin was unique. He was congenial though sometimes a little... oafish. Napoleon Solo called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Illya Kuryakin picked up to a very angry Napoleon Solo. Illya Kuryakin calmly assured him that most spotted wolf hamsters sneeze before mating, yet Indonesian devil cats usually surreptitiously panic *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Napoleon Solo. Why was Illya Kuryakin trying to distract Napoleon Solo? Because he had snuck out from Napoleon Solo's with the computer only five days prior. It was a exotic little computer... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Napoleon Solo got back to the subject at hand: his computer. Illya Kuryakin yawned. Reluctantly, Illya Kuryakin invited him over, assuring him they'd find the computer. Napoleon Solo grabbed his George Foreman grill and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Illya Kuryakin realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the computer and he had to do it aggressively. He figured that if Napoleon Solo took the deliciously practical 4-door, he had at least eleven minutes before Napoleon Solo would get there. But if he took the little red convertible? Then Illya Kuryakin would be ridiculously screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Illya Kuryakin was interrupted by four clueless giraffes that were lured by his computer. Illya Kuryakin grimaced; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling puzzled, he carefully reached for his ninja star and thoughtfully stroked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the fantastic pumpkin patch, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the little red convertible rolling up. It was Napoleon Solo.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Sears to pick up a 12-pack of dull pencils, so he knew he was running late. With a skillful leap, Napoleon Solo was out of the little red convertible and went earnestly jaunting toward Illya Kuryakin's front door. Meanwhile inside, Illya Kuryakin was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the computer into a box of carrots and then slid the box behind his whale. Illya Kuryakin was angered but at least the computer was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Illya Kuryakin exotically purred. With a apt push, Napoleon Solo opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some pestering spite-toting jerk in a Jap Trap,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Illya Kuryakin assured him. Napoleon Solo took a seat right next to where Illya Kuryakin had hidden the computer. Illya Kuryakin sneezed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Napoleon Solo was distracted. Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased deity, Illya Kuryakin noticed a stupid look on Napoleon Solo's face. Napoleon Solo slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Illya Kuryakin felt a stabbing pain in his shin when Napoleon Solo asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the computer right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A stupid look started to form on Napoleon Solo's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's gerbils from when she used to have pet legless puppies. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Napoleon Solo nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Illya Kuryakin could react, Napoleon Solo randomly lunged toward the box and opened it. The computer was plainly in view.

Napoleon Solo stared at Illya Kuryakin for what what must've been four nanoseconds. Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, Illya Kuryakin groped sassily in Napoleon Solo's direction, clearly desperate. Napoleon Solo grabbed the computer and bolted for the door. It was locked. Illya Kuryakin let out a enchanting chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Napoleon Solo,' he rebuked. Illya Kuryakin always had been a little pestering, so Napoleon Solo knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Illya Kuryakin did something crazy, like... start chucking dull pencils at him or something. Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, he gripped his computer tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Illya Kuryakin looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Napoleon Solo. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame five days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Napoleon Solo. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Illya Kuryakin walked over to the window and looked down. Napoleon Solo was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Napoleon Solo was struggling to make his way through the foxy forest behind Illya Kuryakin's place. Napoleon Solo had severely hurt his kidney during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral giraffes suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the computer. One by one they latched on to Napoleon Solo. Already weakened from his injury, Napoleon Solo yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of giraffes running off with his computer.

But then God came down with His attractive smile and restored Napoleon Solo's computer. Feeling stunned, God smote the giraffes for their injustice. Then He got in His nappy, busted-out hatchback and sped away with the fortitude of 20 Indonesian devil cats running from a teensy pack of disease-carrying chipmunks. Napoleon Solo stumbled with joy when he saw this. His computer was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in three minutes his favorite TV show, Lost in Space, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When long-haired sea monkeys meet malaria'). Napoleon Solo was relieved. And so, everyone except Illya Kuryakin and a few hand grenade-toting long-haired sea monkeys lived blissfully happy, forever after.


*** L337 Story Generator v1.0
*** Written by Derek Clark. Copyright © www.the-elite.net ~ 2004-present
*** Forever pwning with earnest.