It all started when our cliche, protagonistic figure, Illya Kuryakin, woke up in a magical cornfield. It was the sixth time it had happened. Feeling alarmingly pleased, Illya Kuryakin poked a ninja star, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Unaware of the bleakness of existence, he realized that his beloved Napoleon was missing! Immediately he called his so-called friend, Angelique. Illya Kuryakin had known Angelique for (plus or minus) one million years, the majority of which were enchanting ones. Angelique was unique. She was charismatic though sometimes a little... stupid. Illya Kuryakin called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Angelique picked up to a very mad Illya Kuryakin. Angelique calmly assured him that most disease-carrying chipmunks turn red before mating, yet venomous koalas usually sassily shudder *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Illya Kuryakin. Why was Angelique trying to distract Illya Kuryakin? Because she had snuck out from Illya Kuryakin's with the Napoleon only three days prior. It was a enchanting little Napoleon... how could she resist?
It didn't take long before Illya Kuryakin got back to the subject at hand: his Napoleon. Angelique belched. Relunctantly, Angelique invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Napoleon. Illya Kuryakin grabbed his hippopotamus and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Angelique realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the Napoleon and she had to do it deftly. She figured that if Illya Kuryakin took the nappy, busted-out hatchback, she had take at least four minutes before Illya Kuryakin would get there. But if he took the skates? Then Angelique would be ridiculously screwed.
Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Angelique was interrupted by five abrasive spiders that were lured by her Napoleon. Angelique belched; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling stunned, she aptly reached for her gerbil and fearlessly groped every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the fanstic pumpkin patch, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the skates rolling up. It was Illya Kuryakin.
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Wal-Mart to pick up a 12-pack of gerbils, so he knew he was running late. With a mighty leap, Illya Kuryakin was out of the skates and went explosively jaunting toward Angelique's front door. Meanwhile inside, Angelique was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the Napoleon into a box of wolverines and then slid the box behind her rhinocerus. Angelique was pleased but at least the Napoleon was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Angelique surreptitiously purred. With a skillful push, Illya Kuryakin opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some dimwitted rationality-deprived retard in a 'modded' Civic,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Angelique assured him. Illya Kuryakin took a seat just perfectly far from where Angelique had hidden the Napoleon. Angelique turned red trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Illya Kuryakin was distracted. A few unfulfilled decades later, Angelique noticed a stupid look on Illya Kuryakin's face. Illya Kuryakin slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Angelique felt a stabbing pain in her love handle when Illya Kuryakin asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the Napoleon right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A abrasive look started to form on Illya Kuryakin's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's live hand grenades from when she used to have pet venomous koalas. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Illya Kuryakin nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Angelique could react, Illya Kuryakin aggressively lunged toward the box and opened it. The Napoleon was plainly in view.
Illya Kuryakin stared at Angelique for what what must've been two days. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, Angelique groped scandalously in Illya Kuryakin's direction, clearly desperate. Illya Kuryakin grabbed the Napoleon and bolted for the door. It was locked. Angelique let out a striking chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Illya Kuryakin,' she rebuked. Angelique always had been a little annoying, so Illya Kuryakin knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Angelique did something crazy, like... start chucking live hand grenades at her or something. Just as zero people expected he gripped his Napoleon tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Angelique looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Illya Kuryakin. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame seven days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Illya Kuryakin. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Angelique walked over to the window and looked down. Illya Kuryakin was gone.
Just yonder, Illya Kuryakin was struggling to make his way through the swamp behind Angelique's place. Illya Kuryakin had severely hurt his shin during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral spiders suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Napoleon. One by one they latched on to Illya Kuryakin. Already weakened from his injury, Illya Kuryakin yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of spiders running off with his Napoleon.
But then God came down with His clever smile and restored Illya Kuryakin's Napoleon. Feeling stunned, God smote the spiders for their injustice. Then He got in His nappy, busted-out hatchback and whizzed away with the fortitude of one million South American hissing sloths running from a misshapen pack of albino cats. Illya Kuryakin ran with joy when he saw this. His Napoleon was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in eleven minutes his favorite TV show, Lost, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When albino cats meet contraceptive'). Illya Kuryakin was giddy. And so, everyone except Angelique and a few ebola-toting long-haired sea monkeys lived blissfully happy, forever after.
*** L337 Story Generator v1.0
*** Written by Derek Clark. Copyright © www.the-elite.net ~ 2004-present
*** Forever pwning with earnest.